I Lay Alone In the Dark
December 27, 2003
It wasn't the pain of loss that stuck her so deep, or the aching loneliness that made her search. It was the need. Janet had always needed her, more then breath, more then life. The shocking sight of her lover's disfigured body seared itself forever in her mind's eye, haunting her. With each breath, the emptiness grew, renewing the hurt and loss.
Sitting at the foot of their bed, she clutched the thickly worn book to her chest. Squeezing her eyes shut, she lowered the precious item into her lap. Its pages worn from years of wear, the leather face stared up at her with its scarred surface. Forcing open her red-rimmed eyes, she tentatively fumbled through the pages, her heart and hands shaking with pain. Flipping aimlessly… she reads.
First day at the new office
Met the team today, including Colonel Jack O'Neill. The man seems like such an ass! I'm hoping my first impressions of the man aren't correct. I'd hate to have to work with the stereotypical military testosterone. The Stargate itself is amazing… I can't wait to put my theory to work. The gate has more then one destination… I know it. Hopefully I can talk with Dr. Daniel Jackson and get his thoughts on the matter. His longer exposure and time to work with the Stargate will prove very useful.
October 24, 1997
Intelligent and beautiful, my God! The new CMO is, there's really no word for it… perfect perhaps? That's the closest I can think of. She was married though, which makes things pretty simple, her husband sounded like a real ass. Friend status is as close as I'll ever get, which is fine by me. It's nice to have another woman on base that I can be close to. I love being able to hold a decent conversation with someone and not fear seeing that stupified glaze O'Neill is so fond of getting. I love being one of the guys, but it gets old quick. I might have to keep shy of this one though… I've never reacted to someone like this before. This may cause problems…
November 25, 1997
Janet asked if I wanted to spend Thanksgiving with her. I was surprised by the invitation; I've never really been close to the people I've worked with. I've learned that being emotionally attached can cost you… dearly. But Janet, she… she somehow makes everything a little easier, clearer. We're really growing as friends, and I sincerely hope it stays that way. I hate to admit this, but I need a close friend. I'm growing very fond of having someone I can call my best friend. I never knew we'd get this close; it's a rather pleasant surprise.
September 14, 1998
I've never trusted anyone like I trust Janet. Don't misunderstand me, I trust my team with my life, but with Janet, it's more then that. We talk late into the night about our lives, our dreams, and the things that make us curious. She doesn't get that bored, stoned look that the guys get when I start talking about what I love. Janet doesn't understand the abstract concepts of wormholes, etc., but I don't understand the intricate workings of the human body either. We listen to each other though, and that's honestly all that matters. With her I don’t have to be some poor soldier stuck squinting at radar readouts, I can talk about my day and not worry. It's a gift, this link I have with her.
December 19, 1998
What do you get a girl who's never celebrated Christmas before? Jack, Daniel and Teal'c have all gotten Cassandra's gifts, while Janet and I are still frantically searching. Their gifts were simple, but heartfelt and thoughtful. I want to get her something that will really make her remember her first Christmas morning… Janet wants the same. We've been out all day looking, and still we can't come up with anything. Something odd did happen today though… I found myself staring at Janet a lot while we were out. I'm attracted to her, but I've felt that since we've met. Maybe I'm finally realizing how important she is to me, how much I depend on our friendship. How much I depend on her.
March 9, 1999
I will never get enough of how wondrous the stars can be, how beautiful they are. Sitting out here under the stars, I remember all the things that led me to love space, the mystery, the adventure, and the magic of it.
I remember thinking, as a small girl, that the stars must be the tears of Angels, sewn into the sky. A part of me still believes that. When I look into Janet's gentle eyes, for a brief instant, I believe it again.
February 12, 2000
I love her.
It actually hurts me saying it, knowing that all I've ever wanted in love I can't have. It's cruel really, this love. I want her, need her, ache for her in ways that my heart can't contain, but I'll never tell her. I have to hide it, bury it. She can't know, it'll destroy our friendship.
I guess in a way I knew this would happen, I'm not sorry for it though. I'm not sorry for the hours of companionship, or the knowledge that for once in my life, I've truly let myself love another.
March 24, 2000
Pulled a muscle in my back sparring with Lt. Roberts this morning, had to go down to the infirmary for fear of having dislocated my arm. Jack was a real help; he stood there chuckling as Teal'c carried me off to see Janet.
(Mental note: get ahold of his boxers and dye them neon pink for next off-world mission…)
My shoulder is fine, although Janet was concerned about me having strained the tendons in my shoulder and side. She worries too much, but her concern warms me.
But then again, and attention from her warms me… fills that now constant ache.
April 11, 2000
I lay alone in the dark, waiting… for sleep, for dreams… but mostly for you.
I can feel your warmth caressing me, as I lay curled up, my body shivering with loneliness. I was never this way before you; I was stronger than all those around me. My heart has stiffened to the point of stone, dying slowly within my chest. I never mourned it, never really noticed its passing. I preferred it that way… the coldness I had surrounded myself with, the hardness. It made my life… easier. I no longer thought of my actions in terms of good or bad, right or wrong. It never mattered. I buried myself in numbers, calculations… but never actually feeling what lay behind them. It never mattered. I used to love the stars… My mother and I used to stargaze for hours on those cool summers nights when the sky was eerily clear. And then she died. I stopped looking… I buried the hurt deep. I think that's when I died, alongside my mother. I hid it, telling myself so often… it never mattered. But then… I met you…
Why… how did you change me? Why did you kill my world, making it into something so bright, I could hardly see…?
Why? What did you see in the icy steel of my eyes?
You took me into your world, your heart. Loving me for a friend, holding me as a sister. I realize now that I need you, your gentle touch and soft eyes.
I guess this is therapy for me… my wishing you were here beside me, but instead writing to you in words you will never see.
May 23, 2000
Looking out at the endless green, I wonder what she would think of it. The trees almost blending completely into the green, green grass… it's beautiful.
I miss her, especially now. Peering up into an alien sky, truly knowing how far away she is. I know she doesn't love me… not like I ache for her to. I come home to them after each mission, catching glimpses at a life I want so badly…
And then I go to my small, quaint house. Funny how it seemed so full before, and now all I see is the emptiness.
I spend most of my time in the lab now, going back to old habits I guess. Finding solace in something neat and tidy, unlike emotions. Maybe if I ignore them long enough, they’re simply die. I can only hope.
May 26, 2000
Back to the daily grind of work, I was just starting to enjoy the down time. Finished a few more schematics on the Stargate that I haven't gotten to in a while. I put some of the initial equations on the SGC mainframe, and copied over most of the data onto the backup zip drive at home. Janet came by around midnight asking me to take a break… maybe even spend the night at her place. I… I can't. The more I see the two of them, the more I hate the life I have now. They're so happy, complete. All I want is to be a part of that… to have a permanent place by their sides. That will never happen, neither of them need me. I'm just a friend to them, which is what I'm content to have. It's a hell of a lot better then being away from them.
July 7, 2002
We've only been on P3X-7756 for about a little under 24 hours and have found little to nothing to indicate there was any sort of civilization here. Oddly enough, there also seems to be no animal life of any kind, only vegetation.
Janet has been taking numerous samples in order to find anything that can be used medically. I've been charting the local moons' orbits… they have an interesting trajectory with relation to the planet itself. It seems inevitable that either the moons will collide with one another, or that will both slam into the planet. I've been taking digital recordings of these three bodies at different times of the day hoping that I can analyze them further, later on in the lab. I've already requested that Hammond allow a permanent observation post on this planet.
July 8, 2002
Janet seems to be very tired… and a little feverish. She insists it merely some allergic reaction to the local plant life, but O'Neill is insisting that we take her back. I agree; we can't take chances. We head out in an hour.
July 9, 2002
Janet's fever has broken and the medical staff has cleared her for active duty. They've diagnosed it as some sort of mild cold. Dr. Warner insisted on a complete bacterial and viral screen; Janet came back clean.
Hammond gave her a few days leave that she'll be taking at the end of the week.
The BBQ at her house has been put on hold for a week so that she can rest up; this really took a lot out of her. I’ll say goodbye before she makes a mad dash for her house. I’ve also sent those video clips over to Daniel so he can start translating the scripting we found on P5X-2354.
July 12, 2002
A lot has happened since last I wrote in here.
The medical condition afflicting Janet has all but been resolved, only a few faint side affects seem to have remained. They assure me that even those will be clearing up within a day or two. How this wasn't caught before I have no idea. Warner and the specialist Hammond brought in think that it may be some sort of endorphin producing virus that kicks up the hormone levels. They're mapping it out now. I'm not really interested in how the damn thing works.
I honestly have no idea how to deal with Janet; we've crossed a line with our friendship, and it's all my fault. She was being influenced, and here I was taking advantage of her. She’ll never forgive me; I know she must hate me now. She can't even meet my eyes whenever I'm near her. It's what I deserve though, I should have noticed the differences in her. That look in her eyes as she held me close, hunger and passion mixed darkly… my Janet would never hold me as a lover.
She came into the lab, in civilian clothes no less. I should have started noticing the changes in her then. Janet never wears civies on base; she's always viewed it as unprofessional. Another warning sign should have been how she looked in what she had on… this skirt that seductively hugged her hips, and this tight top that puckered up her cleavage.
I had to force myself from panting through sheer will.
She came to stand behind me, peering over my seated form to look at the graphical analysis I had taken earlier. I tried to look busy and completely uninterested, yet as she talked to me, she kept caressing my shoulders. Finally I asked her what she was doing…
"Seducing you," she said.
My heart stopped, my mind narrowing on nothing but her. I turned to face her, my body stiff from fear… and… something else I still can't recognize. She cupped my face gently as I looked up into her impossibly dark eyes… god… her eyes…
Then, she kissed me.
A part of me screamed to pull away from her, to fight. It was impossible though, all that I had ever wanted, I now had… or so I thought. I thought she had finally come to love me, realizing that she needed me as more then a friend. I was horribly mistaken.
As my hands slipped under her shirt, I jerked back, almost knocking over the low sitting lab table. Her body was burning, almost hurt to touch her. We were in the Infirmary less then 5 minutes later.
July 15, 2002
To feel your touch… to see you laid out here beside me, it makes my heart ache with something I have never felt before. My heart had tried several times before to peek into a world of love and wanting that I had only glimpsed in others… but my mind could never make that leap. Now, as I lay here gently tracing the stilled, wondrous face inches from my own… I realize that my heart and mind have finally given into Love.
I dreamt every night of you… and of my first thoughts as I saw you standing there… so confident and beautiful. You seemed so small… dainty, yet having this air of strength and command that drew everyone to you. I flinched as my heart tentatively reached out to you that first day…
I used to lay awake at night as see your face lingered behind my exhausted eyes… the sight of you keeping sleep from me. The darkness of your eyes filled with gentle love, for all those you held close. I never thought they'd shine so brightly when looking at me, seeing a woman that you wanted to hold so close. Thank you Janet, thank you for loving me.
Janet’s eyes closed as she remembered that night… the soft, unsure touches… the whispers of long hidden feelings…
Samantha's fingers tapping gently at the half empty bottle of beer. Her eyes never really focusing on Janet’s, instead moving rapidly around the room as Samantha sat nervously. Janet shifted slightly in her seat, angling her body towards the fidgeting woman. The movement startled the blonde, making her jerk away. Gripping the bottle tightly, Janet's eyes waiting for the glass to simply shatter, Samantha started to speak softly.
"The other day, I… I was… out of line… should have realized that it wasn't you the moment you looked at me with such… and…" Samantha's fingers knotted painfully around themselves as she stared intently at them.
Janet's hands gently covered the straining fingers, feather-light in their caresses.
"Samantha…" Tear glazed eyes looked timidly into Janet's. "I’ve wanted you since the day we meant. But… I wrote it off as just lust, I lust I couldn't indulge…"
Sam flinched slightly, choking back her unshed tears as her gaze returned to the floor.
"It changed… lust turned to love. Every moment I spent with you made my life that much harder to live without you." Janet's voice turned into a gentle whisper. "I’ve needed you since the day we met."
The brunette's hand touched the wet cheek gently, her fingertips barely brushing aside the faint wisps of dangling blonde hair. Leaning forward, her reddened lips kissed the blonde's trembling ones… her tongue slowly licking away the slight traces of salty tears.
Her hands still shaking, Samantha pulled the smaller woman closer, craving the warmth. They wrapped around each other like drowning lovers, the two desperately afraid to release their grip. The soothing, affirming touches became bolder as the long minutes ticked by.
Neither would remember how they ended up sprawled out on Janet's sheets, naked and passionate. Pale skin and cream-colored cotton flowed easily. Life seemed to stop and center on this moment, each tangled up in the other. The world bled away as they touched and moved. Lying anchored between Janet's strong thighs, wrapped endlessly around the blonde's waist, Sam slowly kissing across the brunette's strong shoulders. Her lips traveled lower, needing to taste every inch of smooth skin. Strong arms pulled the petite woman tight as her lips followed the never-ending curve that moved lower with each centimeter.
Samantha's breath brushed gently against the apex of Janet's legs. Strong, wet strokes grazed Janet as her hands wrapped painfully around the wooden headboard. As graceful fingers entered her, she arched off the bed with bruising force. Hours passed as such moments strung themselves together…
The moonlight filtered unevenly through the paned glass, sending streaks of light across the smooth skin of their bodies. The sight of Samantha's tired, yet content face just inches from her own made her eyes tear. Blonde tresses cast dark shadows against the completely relaxed features… making the taller woman look much younger. Janet gently curled up beside her, Sam's arms unconsciously wrapping around her as Janet tucked her head inside the blonde’s shoulder.
December 24, 2003
I can't believe I found it! Its perfect, and it’s the exact same design I’ve been looking for. They had a matching pair of wedding bands; Janet is really going to love these. I honestly can’t believe she said yes… we can’t get married in public, but the commitment ceremony will be wonderful. I’ve been wanting to do this for so long… just three more days. I’ll show them to her tonight… God give me patience.
She lies back against the bed, her eyes staring off into the past. The pain tightening around her chest, she turns… a sliver of blonde brushing her cheek. The silent, solemn stare of sky-colored eyes watching her, seeing more then anyone ever could. The faint whisper…
"I love you."
Janet's eyes fluttered shut against the soft tears. A faint, saddened smile trails gently across her face.
"I love you Samantha…"
"Stay with me Janet… you promised…"