THINGS ANYA'S LEARNED THIS SEASON
|10. Eleven hundred years as a vengeance demon does
not look good on a job application
9. Contrary to what Xander says, 7 minutes of Human Time DOES
NOT equal 7 hours of Demon time
8. How to pop Xander like a cold box of juice
7. Xander's mother makes delicious Rice Crispie Squares
6. Willow DEFINATELY doesn't want Xander anymore
5. Men aren't all bad - especially the inter-locking parts
4. "Orgasm Friends" are more fun than any other kind
3. Private conversations are when other people AREN'T around
2. Nothing says "I forgive you" like a crude hand
1. "A spanking new boyfriend" is not the same as
"spanking a new boyfriend"
THINGS THAT SPIKE LIKES ABOUT THE SCOOBY GANG
|10. Getting to watch Buffy mope after succession
of loser boyfriends
9. The way Anya constantly embarrasses Xander
8. As long as Nancy Boy Angelus stays in LA, Spike's the best
dressed vamp in Sunnydale
7. When Willow brings snacks and fresh blood
6. At least Giles knows what football REALLY is
5. Joyce always puts marshmallows in his cocoa
4. That Daphne is quite the looker (oops, that's what he likes
about Scooby Doo cartoons)
3. When push comes to shove, that bunch of pansies will help
him hide from the authorities
2. When the deoms come around they always go for the living
1. If he's really, really lucky one of them may die...And
he'll get to eat them!
REASONS TO LOVE WILLOW
|10. Didn't change her name to "Stone Cold
9. The way she gets all excited about the Black Arts and the
8. Extremely unlikely she will go psycho, kill someone, and
team up with the Mayor
7. Devoted Mac user
6. She evils up real nice
5. Less likely than any other slayerette to write tell-all
4. Adorable way she has of rambling on about tangential topics
without any concern for the fact that she's the only one following the
thoughts, but still manages to make the ramble mean something, even only
to her - ya know?
3. No longer drives stick
2. Is just as addicted to Mochas as I am
1. Two words - Frog Fear!
ADVANTAGES TO BEING THE SLAYER
|10. Kill a vamp, do a shot!
9. Can stay out past curfew if you are saving the world
8. "What I Did Last Summer" essays easily converted
to X-Files spec scripts
7. Special Slayer discount at Lyons
6. Vampires rarely mention bad fashion choices
5. Slayer's Union now almost totally mafia free
4. Bad Hair Day? Take it out on the undead!
3. Can always get your watcher to help out on homework
2. When mom says "It's not like it's the end of the
world!" you have a ready made comeback!
1. Constant threats from otherworldly horrors really puts teen
angst in perspective
DISADVANTAGES TO BEING IN THE SCOOBY GANG
|10. Always expected to sweep up vamp dust and
dispose of demon bodies
9. Giles constantly eating all the jelly doughnuts during
8. Having to clean out the book cage after nights of the full
7. You risk your life and all you get is one lousy Scooby
6. Like vamps, dental plan also sucks
5. Group outings often ruined by rain of toads
4. Willow (oops! That's an Advantage to being in the group!)
3. "Hellhounds ate my homework" excuse rarely works
2. Always getting crummy "Buffy Killed The Baddies and
All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt!" gifts
1. High probability that significant other will turn out to be
paranormal in nature
TOP TEN WAYS
WILLOW HELPS OUT THE SCOOBY GANG (SEASON 1-3)
|10. Maintains database to coordinate all doughnut
9. Politely dresses all frumpy so Buffy and Cordelia don't
look drab by comparison
8. Has her own fun so she never needs to borrow anyone else's
7. Got Xander a copy of "Demon Hunting For Dummies"
6. Cleans up the book cage after full moon nights without
5. Doesn't kick Angel's whining, pretty boy butt from here to
4. Serves as co-president of "We hate Cordelia Club"
3. Runs the www.slayerettes.com site
2. Will take terrible risks for a Scooby Snack (oops! That's
how Scooby Doo helps out the Scooby Gang)
1. When necessary, she can be callous and strange
TOP TEN WAYS
WILLOW HELPS OUT THE SCOOBY GANG (SEASON 4)
|10. Takes care of Amy-the-Rat
9. Does online search to find plural of "apocalypse"
8. Provides Buffy with shoulder to cry on after succession of
7. Definitely won't piss-off Anya by going after Xander
6. Ionization Spell puts bad hair days in perspective
5. Helps Xander with resume for Monster.com (no, the other
4. Reminds the gang of politically correct ways to address
3. Promised never to cast "My Will Be Done" spell
again (Buffy still traumatized from kissing Spike)
2. Knows the difference between cartoons and documentaries
1. Willing to perform elaborate sex-magic rituals with Tara to
search for Buffy's True Nature...Or any other reason;~)
REJECTED BTVS SEASON FOUR STORIES
|10. Willow impregnated by demon; Buffy must kill
9. Buffy - The Musical!
8. Oz's never-before-seen father turns out to be a bald,
criminal mastermind intent on ruling the world with his powerful
"laser". Buffy kicks his ass.
7. Buffy turned into a pig - hilarity ensues
6. While tracking baddies through a swamp, the Scooby Gang
catch foot fungus, lice, and dysentery - hilarity ensues
5. Buffy is transferred to Malibu, gets breast implants, and
chases demons up and down the beach in a tight red swimsuit
4. Willow falls into fiery pit while saving Buffy from her
demon spawn daughter; Buff travels to Siberia to ask American Indian
shamans how to get Willow back...Wills turns up safe and sound in
Sunnydale, with no explanation of her survival
3. While fighting ADAM's vamp gang, the Scooby Gang are
mysteriously whisked away to the Delta Quandrant by an entity called
"The Enabler", and must unite to find a way home
2. The Scooby Gang travel to India to find their
"Way"; catch foot fungus, lice and dysentery - hilarity ensues
1. Willow goes to band camp - 'nuff said!
ADVANTAGES TO WILLOW BECOMING A "MONKEY-OWNER"
|10. No longer has to clean out cage after nights
of the full moon
9. She looks good in flannel....Mmmmm...Where was I?
8. Can share clothes with significant other without the stigma
7. Delightful "Welcome" card and video from Ellen
6. It was dark and scary in the closet!
5. No more embarrassing late-night trips to the drug store for
birth control supplies
4. Can get discount on Lillith Faire tickets
3. After-glow cuddling now stubble-free!
2. The complimentary toaster oven
1. Three words - Hot Monkey Love!
*THIRTEEN* WILLOW/TARA EUPHEMISMS FOR SEX
|13. Searching the Nether Realms
12. Practicing Dianic rituals
11. Not driving stick
10. Working as a "single delicate implement"
9. Dripping wax on the Wymmin Power Shrine
8. Doing the "Wiccan Wiggle"
7. Riding the broomstick
6. Plucking the petals
5. Reaching consensus
4. Worshipping Thespia
3. Baking an empowering bundt cake
2. Eating an empowering bundt cake
1. One word - Spellcasting!