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Disclaimer: Xena and Gabrielle belong
to Renaissance Pictures and MCA Universal. I'm just hoping that
I'm too poor for them to care if I play with them a bit. If
you're underage in your country state or municipality, offended
by the notion of two women in love, lust, and assorted
silliness, or this is illegal in your neck of the woods, please
bug out now. No major body parts were damaged during the
creation of this story.
Gabrielle's eyes slid across the crowded confines of the Yellow Ass
inn, noting the logo of a burro relieving itself that decorated one
wall. How appropos. She'd agreed to meet Xena in the common room
after the warrior finished with her business concerning the local
potentate. They were in town on the sly, carrying a peace agreement from
the neighboring kingdom, and Xena had disappeared to speak with the
garrison general, hoping to convince him to make peace despite his
master's wishes. Meanwhile, Gabrielle had been left to fend for herself,
with the firm orders to avoid any form of official detection. The
warrior princess' plan depended on utter secrecy…which meant the
lowest of low rent inns in the red candle district. Oh…joy.
Another fun evening spent in the company of drunken soldiers, ugly
prostitutes, and clumsy pickpockets. The bard determined to make her
lover pay as she tread carefully through mudpuddles of spilled ale…at
least, she hoped that's what it was, though she was less than sanguine
on the subject.
The bard's nose wrinkled in distaste at the smells that touched her
nostrils, most of them coming from the hard-eyed, broad shouldered men
who populated the room. She came up short as she studied the crowd,
wondering if any of the army was still in camp, or if they were all
here. As she stood there, several of them looked up, eyes assessing as
they ran over her from head to toe. Great, just great. She didn't
mind these kinds of places when she was with Xena. The tall warrior
tended to cow all but the most ardent suitors, and those never seemed to
stay conscious long, but alone...alone was definitely on the
intimidating side. She seriously debated going back outside to wait, but
discarded the idea. She was an Amazon after all. What did she have to be
afraid of? Gabrielle tried not to think about all the possible answers
to that question as she straightened her shoulders and pasted her
toughest look on her face. No one looked terribly impressed as she
strode through the crowd and it took all of her willpower to ignore the
wandering hands that seemed to find their way to colliding with her
She finally found an empty table toward the back, and sank down on
one of the benches, careful to keep her staff close at hand. A harassed
looking waitress appeared almost instantly, coolly assessing Gabrielle
even as she took her order.
A nearby table full of men, all wearing the colors of the local army,
though it was likely they were nothing more than hired mercenaries, were
eyeing the bard and trading jokes amongst themselves, making Gabrielle
wonder if this was such a good idea. On the other hand, if she left now,
there was a strong possibility they'd follow her...which would be even
Her mug of wine came, and she stared down into it, noting the faintly
cloudy appearance. A quick taste confirmed her opinion that it was a bad
year. She took another sip. A very bad year...either that or one of the
grape pressers had a fatally bad case of athlete's foot.
Or maybe he'd tromped through a field of cows on his way to stomp the
Her eyes lifted to the logo, and she tried very hard not to imagine
any scenarios that might explain the link between the wine and the name
of the inn. Tried, but didn't succeed.
She made a face. Unfortunately, after a day of sneaking through enemy
lines, she was in no position to be picky. The bard was still debating
whether to die of thirst, or risk a case of athlete's tongue, when a
hard hand clamped down on her shoulder.
"Hi, honey," a rough voice cut into her considerations.
The bard twisted on her bench, brows drawing into a frown as she
realized one of the charmers from the neighboring table had decided to
pay a call. Great...Adonis obviously thought she was cute. Her
nose wrinkled as his odor caught up with his hands. She was surprised
she hadn't smelled him coming.
The vague thought crossed her mind that maybe one of this man's socks
had fallen into a wine barrel. That could explain the unique
taste of the beverage.
"You look lonely," he said pointedly.
Gabrielle briefly considered saying something clever and vaguely
insulting. She ran her eyes from his toes, all the way up his towering
frame and quickly reconsidered that idea. True, this man could probably
kill by body odor alone, but the tree trunk arms weren't a bad back-up.
Either of them was bigger than her thighs. She swallowed hard.
"Ah...." she exhaled with brilliant wit. She was going to kill
Xena for getting her into this mess. "Not really, no....not
lonely..." she babbled. "Thanks for asking." Oh, Gaia,
you idiot--she thought as she realized what she'd said.
The monster cleared his throat and tightened his hold on her
shoulder. "I said," he growled menacingly, "You look
Gabrielle shifted one hand to her staff. He was big, but she'd
learned how to take down large men with well placed blows. Her eyes
flicked over to the men laughing at the next table, any one of whom was
as big as her newfound "friend" ... and probably just as
smelly. Any way she played it, this was not going to be fun. Her skills
with a staff had improved, but not enough to take on five this size. At
the very least, fighting while holding her breath promised to be a
considerable challenge. Besides, Xena had specifically told her not to
attract any attention--though it occurred to Gabrielle that she really
should complain to the warrior about that, since her chances of not
attracting attention in a place like this were few and far between.
However, Gabrielle had no doubts that a barfight wouldn't exactly fit in
with Xena's plans. She cursed the warrior once again. Her gaze came back
to Prince Charming, just as his mouth split into a wide grin, showing
uneven, and blackened teeth. He knew she'd recognized her problem and
was already savoring his victory.
Like Hades, Gabrielle decided, muscles tightening. Xena just might
have to have her plan go awry.
She was just starting to rise when a tall figure stepped around the
giant to hitch one hip against Gabrielle's table. The bard's eyes
flicked over, relief surging through her blood as she realized it was
the warrior doing one of her infamous last second appearances.
Xena folded her arms across her chest, smiling ever so slightly. She
considered killing the man in front of her--considered it very
seriously--unfortunately, that wasn't part of the plan, no matter how
much fun it would have been.
"So...D'ya want something?" the giant growled, when she
didn't immediately speak.
"Yes," she drawled and offered a pleasant smile, but no
Gabrielle's head swung back and forth like the the audience at a
joust, her expression openly confused. What the heck was Xena up to now?
Her new friend, the big one with the bad breath wasn't doing much
better, though she suspected confusing him wasn't that difficult a
"Well, what?" he grumbled at last.
Dark eyebrows lifted. "Wha...oh...sorry, I was just
The giant's frown deepened, making it obvious that thinking wasn't
his strong suit. "'Bout what?" he asked suspiciously.
The lance was again in Xena's court. She nodded toward Gabrielle.
"Her..." She unfolded her arms, holding out her right hand.
"I'm Xena, by the way."
The giant stared at her as thought she'd lost her mind, but his hand
met hers. Apparently, somewhere during his misbegotten life, at least
one small hint of good manners had penetrated his thick skull. Gabrielle
was actually quite surprised by that fact. She waited for Xena to
disembowel the monster, give him a really thrashing…or at least a good
talking to, but the warrior just kept smiling. The bard gritted her
teeth, trying to shrug off the ham-sized fist still attached to her
"Good...good...I'm glad to see we can handle this situation in a
civilized manner," Xena chatted good naturedly.
"Civilized?" the giant repeated doubtfully, before
sputtering. Where he was from that word was an insult. "Now, look,
I don't know what you..."
Xena held up a hand, and he trailed off. "I'm sorry if I've been
a bit slow getting to the heart of the matter," she apologized.
"But, there's this internal debate I have to deal with."
"Debate?" the giant repeated with a frown.
"It's a sort of an argument," Gabrielle explained, frowning
slightly, still waiting for Xena to hurt this stupid lug for sport. When
the giant's expression started to darken, she quickly added, "With
herself, in this case."
"That's right," Xena agreed cheerfully. She leaned in
close, her voice dropping conspiratorially low. "As you no doubt
noticed from her clothes, the young lady is an Amazon..."
The giant glanced over at Gabrielle, consideringly. In truth, he
hadn't noticed anything but the redhead's chest measurements. Actually,
he rarely noticed anything about a woman but her chest measurements. On
the other hand, he liked to think he was a smart man.
"Uh...yeah," he murmured at last.
She folded her arms again. "Well, the problem here is...by the
way, I never did get your name."
"Brunocius, huh? Nice name. D'you mind if I call you
"Great. Now, the problem here, Bruno, is that the young lady's
mother entrusted her into my care, and I'm supposed to deliver her
safely to her aunt's tribe up north."
Bruno's expression darkened, as he began to suspect the aim of this
conversation wasn't going to be encouraging him to drag the little
redhead off into an alley for the best 48 seconds of her young life.
"The lady and I were about to..." He trailed off as he hunted
for a fancy phrase for having sex. He finally came up with something
that thoroughly exhausted his supply of clean language. "Retire to
Xena raised her eyebrows, looking impressed. In point of fact, she
was impressed. It had never occurred to her that he could imply a sexual
act without using words that relied heavily on the letter F. She threw
up her hands, and flashed a knowing smile. "Hey, I can understand
that...I mean, she's a tasty looking little thing." She shook her
head, her expression turning ironic. "Not much in bed, if you want
Gabrielle nearly swallowed her tongue, and Bruno appeared in
immediate need of the Heimlich maneuver, which unfortunately, wasn't due
to be invented for at least another two thousand years (though,
unbeknownst to Gabrielle, Xena did have a prototype maneuver in her
medical arsenal--but that's another story). When Xena arrived, the bard
had been hoping for some convenient rescue, not more embarrassment.
"You mean you've..." he gasped at last.
The warrior refolded her arms, her lazy posture a study in
nonaggression. "Sure...I mean..." She grinned broadly, showing
straight, white teeth. "Her mother did tell me to guard her
virginity carefully." The grin widened a notch. "So, I had to
take it for safe-keeping."
Gabrielle coughed heavily, uncertain whether to kill her lover now,
or wait until morning. Speaking of things that weren't going
according to plan.
Bruno snorted at the joke, but didn't loosen his grip on Gabrielle's
shoulder. "I think I'll just find out if she's any good for
"I can understand that...but I think I should warn you, the last
two pretty much tapped out the money her mother gave me for traveling
expenses, so I can't afford to give you anything afterward."
That got Bruno's attention. "You mean you paid them for sleeping
Xena nodded. "Well, I had to."
Gabrielle's eyes widened. Great, that should discourage her would-be
rapist. Help like that she could do without. Gods, couldn't Xena just
kill him, or threaten him… or something equally vicious and get this
Bruno chuckled smugly. "I guess I can do her free," he
"I just wanted to make certain you know that I'm not financially
responsible for any damage that may come to your more...intimate
parts...in fact, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you'd sign a
waiver to that effect."
"Intimate parts?" Bruno repeated, wishing fervently that
this woman would speak Greek like everyone else.
"You know...your..."Xena trailed off suggestively.
Bruno frowned. "My?" He thought about it for a moment,
noting the way the warrior's gaze dropped briefly to a point directly
below his belt. A sudden horrifying suspicion occurred to him. "You
mean my..." he whispered.
Bruno's eyes widened, and a thin film of sweat formed on his
forehead. "That couldn't ... but ... why ... how ... that couldn't
really happen," he muttered at last, in an effort to reassure
"The girl's an Amazon," Xena said matter-of-factly.
"You do know about Amazon's don't you?"
"Of course I do," Bruno insisted quickly. He glanced down
at Gabrielle uncertainly. "But...well...maybe you should go over it
again....just so I can make sure you've got your facts straight."
Gabrielle could hardly wait to hear this one.
"Oh...sure...well...it's pretty simple, really....I mean,
everyone knows that all Amazons are trained in the warrior arts."
"Right," Bruno agreed knowledgably. He didn't really have
any idea, but he supposed that sounded right.
"But only a select few more...intelligent souls like you and I
know the rest."
"I mean, I personally find it amazing they can train those
muscles that way. I mean...imagine....strong enough to emasculate
a man in the throes of passion." She shook her head and let out a
"Emasculate?" Bruno questioned. He had a sneaky suspicion
about the meaning of that word (which, for Bruno was a considerable
accomplishment, since he rarely thought much about words with more than
four letters), but it was too horrifying to contemplate.
Xena continued as if he hadn't interrupted. "I mean, tear it
right off. Of course, they say it's worth it, even if a man's only good
for guarding some pasha's harem afterward. Personally, it makes me glad
I'm a woman...."
Bruno turned pale...very pale...as the implications of what she was
saying sank in. He tried to straighten his shoulders and nerve himself
up. She couldn't be telling the truth. There was no way a woman
could...could....he couldn't even finish the thought, but there was just
no way. He peered down at the woman still seated on the bench. She was
so tiny (not in the chest, of course, or this conversation wouldn't have
been taking place, but everywhere else). She couldn't really be a threat
to a man...could she.... No...it couldn't be....the brunette was just
trying to scare him. He nerved himself back up. The little redhead was
his, fair and square and he wasn't giving her up for any story.
"'Cause, hey," Xena continued cheerfully. "The worst I
can lose is a finger or two." She held up her left hand to reveal
her index finger, missing at the middle knuckle.
Bruno's eyes bulged as he forgot his determination that it was only a
Xena shrugged, looking a little embarrassed. "What can I say,
I've always had a weakness for Amazons."
"You mean?" Bruno croaked, his voice cracking mid-word.
The warrior princess could only shrug. "I was younger and not so
fleet of hand."
"I....uh...." Bruno stammered.
Gabrielle turned another sweet smile his direction. Okay, so Xena had
taken her own sweet time about it, but she found she rather liked this
particular bit of non-violent revenge. "You know, you are kind of
cute," she murmured, appearing to consider his masculine charms.
Bruno yanked his hand back so fast he almost sent her spinning.
"I...uh...don't...I mean....my wife...she
"Are you sure?" the bard asked pleasantly. "Because we
could get a room..."
Bruno backed away, barely keeping the urge to flee under control.
"No...no, that's all right." he said quickly.
Gabrielle was hard pressed not to giggle as he spun and hurried back
to the table he was sharing with his pals.
Xena clamped a hand on the bard's shoulder. "Shall we go?"
she whispered near the smaller woman's ear. "I took an extra moment
and rented a room."
Gabrielle nodded. "So, that's why you were late?"
"Mmhmm," the warrior nuzzled her lover's hair, grinning at
Bruno as he told his tale to his friends and watched them all turn pale.
"Perhaps we should go before they have a chance to think too hard
about what just happened." She eyed the men with a raised brow.
"Though…that's probably not a big problem…the thinking thing, I
mean." They didn't look like that was really their specialty.
The warrior was still considering the likelihood that it would occur
to the thugs that they'd been fooled, when Gabrielle turned in her arm,
drawing her head down to kiss her fully on the mouth, suddenly rather
enjoying the terror their little show was engendering. The warrior
promptly forgot all about the soldiers. They could get their own damn
dates. She kissed the bard hungrily, the taunting fun forgotten as she
dragged her through the common area and up a rickety flight of stairs.
They stumbled into the room Xena had rented, barely breaking the
hungry kiss to relock the door in their wake. Chuckling through the
heady kiss, the warrior unfolded her "missing" finger to
stroke the outer curve of a rounded breast. "So that's where that
went," she laughed. "So, did you miss me?" the warrior
gasped, still breathing hard in the wake of the protracted public
display of affection.
"What do you think?" the bard questioned, already fumbling
with bronze armor. "So, how'd your meeting go?" she questioned
as she pressed a kiss to a newly bared shoulder.
"Perfect," the warrior groaned. "Problem's all
solved." Gabrielle's lips moved on as she stripped away bronze and
leather. "No more problems," she added drunkenly, then tipped
her lover's head up for another long, sweet kiss. "I missed
you," she panted when their lips parted.
The bard grinned. "We were only apart two days."
"That was about one and a half days too long." Xena tugged
green laces aside, then pulled the front of Gabrielle's blouse apart to
bury her face in warm breasts. "Gods, I want to make love to you,
feel you, hear you--"
"Really?" the bard murmured mock-doubtfully, teasing her
lover, knowing full well it would spur her to greater passion.
"Mmmhmmm, want me to show you?"
"Promises, promises…." Gabrielle taunted, then gasped as
Xena slung her up in strong arms.
The warrior laughed softly. "I always did enjoy a challenge…."
Hours later as female screams echoed through the small inn, two women
shivered with merry passion, lost in its electric currents.
While five men shivered in their sheets, terror in their eyes, fully
resolved never to touch another Amazon as long as they lived...
…maybe not even another woman…
…even female goats were starting to look mighty unappealing…
The next morning, a local monastery for the holy order of the
Penitent Essence of Reestablished Virginity--whose mission was to seek
freedom from the blight of sexual ways and thoughts--had five new
converts, perhaps the most devout they'd seen in ages.
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